FIVE months already!

Well, I can't believe it, but lil man is already 5 months old! So far he is:

• laughing out loud
• rolling over from front to back - evidently he does it all the time at daycare but only shows off for us every now and then
• sleeping at night in anywhere from 5-8 hour stretches
• eating 1-2 tbs of food at dinner time (sweet potatoes, carrots, bananas, etc)
• weighing about 20 pounds! He's as big as or bigger than most of the "babies" in the Infant 2 room at daycare!

We went to Detroit for Easter. He did great on the plane, and it was nice to have Simon along with us this time around. The Easter bunny managed to find him in Michigan, though I think he could have lived without some of the bunny's gifts: 

Simon's mom joined us from Canada as well, and I brought her some French versions of the books we have at home. Here's Ours brun, dis-moi (aka Brown Bear, Brown Bear):

The weekend before Easter, I headed to Charleston for a bachelorette party. I was gone two nights!! When I got home, this is what I found:

 Just lounging with Dad all weekend...and evidently having  blast!


And finally - here are just two fun shots of lil happy man:

In the morning...hanging out on our bed while we get ready for work.

After a bath, which he LOVES. I always feel bad taking him out.

These past five months have been a lot of work but mostly a lot of fun. I had to go back for a second round of bloodwork for my thyroid, and the doctor asked how I was sleeping. I laughed at her but said, "I'm amazed at well I'm functioning on much less sleep than before baby." Maybe it's just that my attitude has changed. I still really enjoy snuggling with him at 2 a.m.

Running for Angela

This entry isn't about XYZ. Instead, I've chosen to use this space to write about someone I think about every day but can no longer pick up the phone and call.

Angela and I met in the sixth grade. We had every class except homeroom together. From the moment we met, we became the best of friends. I distinctly remember the first time I spent the night at her house. We had such a blast....and ate way too many cookies and watched way too many Johnny Depp movies.

As the years passed, many friendships I had changed - you know how emotional/dramatic girls can be in those years! But the relationship between the two of us only grew stronger. It helped that we continued to have EVERY class together through the eighth grade. I still have the notebooks we used to pass back and forth to each other in class!

When we hit high school, we no longer had the same class schedule every year, but that didn't change a thing between us. Here's a funny story: In our school, if you earned all As for a quarter, you got what was called a Gold Card. That card let you in to all school sporting events for free. Our sophomore year, Angela and I had biology together. I had earned all As except for biology. I was going to get a B. :( It just so happened that our teacher was the school's trainer and clearly enjoyed all school sports. So Angela wrote him a fabulous letter, begging him to GIVE me an A so that I could get that Gold Card and come support the teams....and watch her cheer. So obviously, he gave me the A....and then I had to attend every single sporting event that quarter, which was totally fine with me because they were pretty fun events.

One of our many sailing adventures

 

 

Anywho - off to college we went...me to USC and Angela to BYU. Though we were thousands of miles apart...and there was no Facebook back then...we remained in constant contact. She was the ONLY person I used this odd thing called "e-mail" with back then. I mean, who in the world thought that would ever catch on!

Ironically enough, it was through email that I learned about Angela's first diagnosis with skin cancer - she explained it all to me in one email. I remember where I was....sitting at my desk as an undergrad assistant in this little closet of an office. It's a good thing it was isolated because I'm pretty sure I was knocked to the floor with fear.

After several surgeries and all kinds of other terrible stuff, Angela was "clean." We no longer hit the beach together on our summer breaks, but we did still find ways to hang out when we ended up in the same place at the same time.

Fast forward to winter 2007. I was in the midst of yet another sad breakup. Angela had just gotten married that December and was living in London with her new husband...and being Angela, she offered to give me however many hundreds of frequent flyer miles I needed in order to come visit her in London to take my mind off things! So off I went. We had a great visit. I remember her explaining how she'd been racking up all these miles....flying back and forth often for dermatologist appointments. She'd been having mole after mole pop up and look suspicious. I remember sitting on the train one afternoon with her, and her telling me she felt like she was being attacked. At the time, I just thought: "what a pain...to have to keep going and getting these little surgeries to have moles removed." If only.....

That was March 2007.

I believe it was later that year, Angela and her husband were back stateside on a more permanent basis for her to be able to deal with more than just moles. The cancer had metastasized and was now in her brain, breast and lungs. Again, I remember where I was when I read the email telling me they were coming back to the states.....at work in the library....and unfortunately in front of a computer with way too much Google time on my hands.

The story doesn't get any better from here, but I was lucky enough to be able to visit Angela during some of her treatments over the next two years. We always had a blast during our visits, and I hated leaving.

Our last visit was Easter Sunday 2009. She was at home, and I came down to visit. I decided to go to her church that morning. It was a difficult service. Angela was not feeling well but put on a brave face. After the service, I hugged her goodbye and told her I loved her. That was the last time we spoke.

Two weeks later, her husband called me with the news. I remember seeing her name come up on my phone's caller ID. I stared at it for a while....kinda scared to click "answer." It was Paul. All he said was, "Allison, she's gone."

I just happened to be getting in my car at that moment. I was going to my friend Julia's house. We had planned on having a girls' night at a new dessert bar in town, and I thank God for that timing. Anyone who knows Julia, knows she's the kinda girlfriend you want/need to be around when times are tough. She'll make you laugh, cry and then laugh again. I don't know what I would have done without her that night.

The next week or so was a blur of drives back and forth to Myrtle Beach, a trip to Utah and a bunch of long nights.

In the weeks that followed, I had so many supportive friends help cheer me up. One good friend wrote me a sweet note saying that she really wanted to do something to honor Angela and could I please help her find something to do. Again, with too much Google time on my hands, I found the Melanoma Research Foundation and a running program that supported them and decided to run the Marine Corps Marathon in memory of Angela. Training for that race was great therapy - I was up at the crack of dawn every Saturday for long runs, and I got to spend that time alone with just my thoughts/memories. Through tons of tears, I'd run and think about Angela.

Our friend JP ran the marathon too, and after the race, we agreed to NEVER run another marathon again. So - this year, I've signed up to run a mere 6.2 kilometers (not quite 4 miles).

This Miles Against Melanoma 6.2K is a race to raise awareness - and funds. My goal is a mere $200, but I am hoping you'll help me surpass that! Click here to donate. I think JP will be running with me again...or as I like to say, he'll be running in front of me.....so if you're in Charlotte, we'd love to see you on the sidelines.

There are so many times/days I think of Angela and wish I could just call her to laugh with her. But I can't. What I can do though is keep her memory alive AND help continue the fight against melanoma.

THANKS for your support.

We've got almost 7 weeks in daycare in the books now. X had "school pictures" the other week, and I can't lie - I'm kind of excited to see them! Of course, Simon asked, "Are we doing that?" To which I replied, "Of course we are." Now I didn't go out and buy him a special outfit or anything, but be sure....he did look cute!  We put this on him the other weekend, and we almost fell down laughing. Of course, this picture makes it look like his head is Photoshopped on, but how freaking cute is this?

Since being back at work, I've learned to almost appreciate the middle of the night feedings....almost! It's our sweet time alone to snuggle. I mean, look at this face! I sometimes just hold him a little extra before putting him back in the crib so I can stare at him. (Don't worry....we're planning to stop the night feeding soon....like maybe even this weekend kind of soon!)

I must share- there are some perks to daycare (other than the obvious "I get to go to work and earn some moo-lah" perks) that I did not think about. These daycare ladies are professionals (I realize that I should hope they are professional, but you get what I'm saying/writing here, right?)! I walked in to pick him up one day, and he was hanging out in an exersaucer....as if he owned the thing! Simon and I have an exersaucer at home, but we had been too afraid to try it out. Um, he LOVES it! (though in this photo he looks less than amused, I promise, he likes it)

Below is a shot my sister took of us one random Sunday afternoon in late February....but I show it as a prequel to the session we had with my friend Annie this past weekend. She's the one who did our maternity shots, so we thought it only appropriate she do some baby/family shots too.

And one final, fun shot of lil man as he and I were on a lunch date with our friends one day. That's the same hat he wore home from the hospital!

 

He's getting to be such a big boy. At his 4 month check up, he weighed 17 lbs, 1 oz and was 26 inches long....keeping him into the 90s (percentile wise). His noggin was almost off the chart, but I'm not surprise...my head is so huge I can't EVER find a hat that fits me. I mean, really...Simon and I measured our own heads after the appointment, and my head is a whole inch larger than his! It's all our brains - at least that is what I told X when the doctor left the room.

Something Else No One Talks About

While I joke about Xander being my second or third child, the truth of the matter is that he really is our second child.

Simon and I had always planned on getting pregnant fairly soon after getting married. My birth control pills were running out in November, and the practical side of me said, "that sounds like a great time to start trying!"

So when I was late in December, we thought, "Wow, that was fast/easy." Sure enough, I took a home test and it said we were expecting. That was a Thursday. By Sunday, I'd started spotting. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't bleeding excessively nor did I have any cramping. Of course I Googled everything under the sun....which was totally NOT helpful.

I ended up calling my OB and going in for testing. The urine test came back negative, but my blood work showed I was pregnant. So after several trips to the lab to have my blood tested, they decided it was an "unviable pregnancy." I had two options: I could let nature take its course and continue "spotting" for who knows how long, or I could have a DNC. I opted for the DNC. After almost three weeks of spotting and not knowing anything for sure, I was ready for it all to be over.

Of course, after telling a few people here and there, I realized TONS of people go through this. So why did no one ever tell me? Admittedly  on this topic, I can kinda understand. I'm sure most women feel like they don't want to 'burden' anyone with their sad news. But of course, I like to look at things differently, so I decided I was going to share my story with anyone/everyone I thought should know about it....ie, friends who might be working on baby #1 soon.

Why tell everyone, you ask? Well, I just want other women working on Baby #1 to realize they're not alone if what happens to us happens to them. Sometimes it just feels good to know you're not alone...especially for people like me....who aren't normally 'over-share-ers' with personal information. :)

Now I admit that losing a baby in the first week can not feel as terrible as when it happens much later in a pregnancy, and I don't mean to liken myself to that situation. I'm sure women like my sister and Rebecca  (click to read her blog) went through an entirely different range of emotions. But I am quite sure that my nephews, Levi, Owen and 'lil Baby Z #1 are all up in heaven together. I even imagine that my friend Angela is up there snuggling with them every single day, and that makes me smile.

Thoughts on Feeding

Now that I'm almost 4 months into this whole full-time mom thing, I finally feel ready to explain one aspect of my birth experience that no book, website, friend, etc talked about: Low milk production.

My simple advice on this: trust your instincts. People tell you this all the time...about all sorts of things....but I found it to be a really good measure of what was right for me during this time.

So from the time we got home with Xander, he was a cranky, crying baby. I had resigned myself to the fact that I had the infamous "colicy" baby. I remember waking up from naps during the day to find Simon downstairs with my  hair dryer creating white noise so that Xander would remain calm. (it worked like a charm).

Obviously this isn't Xander, but we did put him on top of the dryer once!

We went to our first lactation visit, and she told us we were doing great. She also told me to get some cabbage leaves at the house because my milk should be coming in any day now, and I should be prepared! So after a couple of days of NOT needing cabbage leaves, I began to wonder what was up. Then after over a week of no real "mustardy-seedy" poop from our lil man, I knew something wasn't right. My instincts said it was me since I'd not felt "full" ever. So we took him back to the doctor only to find he'd lost more than 10 percent of his birth weight....cause for concern!

The lactation consultant's solution for me was to nurse more, pump in between and take some herbs that make you smell like syrup. So, of course, I did that, which took up my entire life. By the time you're done nursing and pumping, it's time to start it all over again. I also heard/read all kinds of theories on other things I could do...from drinking beer to eating more fat. While those sound like fun in general, the thought of being drunk and fat wasn't really appealing...but of course I tried. Still nothing. So heaven forbid....we started supplementing, and wouldn't you know it...Xander wasn't colicy...he was HUNGRY. So after three months of constant nursing, pumping, crying and not sleeping, Xander is now a totally formula fed baby....and totally happy.

 

Does this look like an unhealthily/unhappy baby to you?

 

After visiting my general MD for my annual exam, we discovered I have low thyroid, for which I am now taking medication. Evidently only 4% of nursing moms have this, but it would have been nice if someone in the OB office or the pediatrician's office might have suggested I have this checked after every other attempt at getting more milk failed me.

And let me tell you....I got plenty of condemning looks/comments from people during this whole process....the kind of look/comment that says, "Oh, I'm not judging you, but clearly you're not trying hard enough." or "Oh my, you're giving your baby formula. I'm so sorry for your loss." Usually my response was simply, "I was a formula fed baby, as was my husband, and we were perfectly healthy babies. And no, we don't think our mothers hated us either." Sometimes I almost got to the point of whipping out educational degrees, salaries and SAT scores to prove to people that even in the 70s, formula was pretty darn effective. As one of my friends who went through a similar situation said, "It's formula people, not poison!"

I feel like the "pro-baby" movement kinda got in the way of me being able to find out other, physiological things that might be causing me to have low production. You have to do some very specific Google searching to find anything about low thyroid and milk production. While initially I was very excited and pleased when I heard about how "baby friendly" my hospital and OB practice was, I feel they let me down a bit. They seemed ready to do everything in their power to help me exclusively breastfeed for the first 12 months, and I was ready, so I thought, with loads of information on how to make this work...even after going back to work. Now I wish they would/could have shared a little more "just in case" type of information with us.

After sharing my experience with a couple of friends/coworkers, I have discovered that I am not the only one out there who struggled with finding new/other information about feeding. Several people have now told me that they went through the whole nursing, pumping, crying fiasco I went through only to never find an answer to their struggle and basically not sleep for several months of their child's life, which can't be good for anyone. Why does no one talk about this? Ladies, speak up....share your experiences. Don't be ashamed to say you had to give your baby formula even though you know "breast is best." Maybe your story can help someone like me not feel like an utter failure. I hope by me sharing this here, someone will feel better about her experience or perhaps share my experience with a woman she knows who is struggling.

Back to Work....13 weeks update

Well, I've got one week back at work under my belt, and I must admit....it wasn't that bad! We did two "test" days at daycare the week before last so I could ease myself into being away from XYZ. I'm usually a 'rip the Band Aid' off kind of gal, but for some reason, I was feeling kinda anxious about this one. So when the daycare director told me plenty of moms do a trial run the week before, I decided to take her up on the offer. The Wednesday before, I brought him in and sat with him in his room. I talked with his 'teacher' and just observed the way the room ran for an hour or so. Then the next day, Simon and I brought him in together and dropped him off. I ran across the street for a run at the gym when Simon when to work. Then I was able to go home and shower all by myself. It was totally weird to take a shower and not feel rushed or have one ear smashed against the glass wall. Of course when I went to pick him up 3 hours later.....he was napping. He didn't even notice I was gone!

And here is what I found when I went in to check on him over my lunch on his first day there full time: 

Again...he barely noticed I was even there to say hello! He did give me a smile, but he kept that bottle in his mouth the whole time!

I did remember to capture the morning too....here he is on his first morning getting ready to go to school:

So now Simon and I have to fight for snuggle time on the weekends. We did attempt a family picture recently...Lily took this for us:

Here are some shots from this past weekend....as you can see, he is as big as my torso now! I can only guess that he must weight 14+ pounds now! He really likes that dragon book. It's just big pictures of dragon faces with googly eyes. He smiles at them all.

And we had our regular, every third year or so snow this past weekend. This was an odd one in that it actually snowed during the day and stuck to the ground...for about 24 hours. Luckily, my friend Liz was in town, and she got to enjoy it with us:

We kept X inside since he can't really play in it anyway. We figured why expose him, right!

So.....so far, so good with being back at work and X being in school. As you can see below, he's already bringing art home for us! (I stole this and hung it in my cube at work...Simon can have the next one...maybe!)

11 weeks update

Well....with just one week left on my maternity leave, I can safely say: "Everyone was right!" ...about everything. All the cliches are true...."it's the hardest job you'll ever love"; "just when you think it can't get any better, it does", and the list goes on and on.

Xander and I have had a great 11 weeks together at home. We were blessed to have Simon and many other family members with us for much of the time too. Next week, we begin our transition into daycare. One day I'll stay and watch his 'classroom' while he hangs out and meets his 'teacher.' Then one day I'll actually leave him there for a couple of hours. The hope is that it'll make d-day less stressful for me. I'm quite she he'll be fine!

We spent last weekend in Kansas City with some good friends. He barely noticed when I wasn't around. Of course Auntie Julie and Anne are pros at babies, but still....you'd hope your kid might give a whimper when you've been gone for a while. Julie got some good one-on-one time with him to share the ways of the world as seen here:

Then he got to hang out with Lincoln, who is two weeks younger. X shared some insights as to what the next two weeks have to offer. Here they are chatting it up:

Lori, Grandma Nadine and I finally got around to finishing up his letters for his room. I got uber crafty and actually put some hanging thingys on the back of them this week and hung them up. I think they look pretty darn good:

SO - the big return to work will be bitter sweet in a week. I am excited to get back into the groove of working but sad to miss the sweet moments with X at home. Some of my favorite times with him are just as he's waking from a good nap...as seen here:

After a good 10 minute stretching session (don't we all need those in the mornings?), he's super happy and chills with me for a while...before he realizes he's hungry:

At 11 weeks, he's still coooing often...and even a bit on cue now....and he's holding his head up longer. He seems to hate the carseat less...and may even enjoy it at times. He's getting on a more regular schedule of eating, playing and napping. He seems to be able to see and focus in on things better and better each day. He smiles often and even laughs here and there. I guess it won't be long until he's trying to sit up by himself....geeze Louise!